Monday, February 27, 2006

Fear of Success

My new PC is finally up and running and ready for 'work' (it only took about 16 hours). I managed to polish up the Postcards manuscript and print it out for a final re-read last night. I already have a list of agents to send it to, gathered during the last round of submissions. I never sent the mss to them because it was coming back from the ones I did send it out to with alarming speed.

This prompted a re-read followed by the painful admission that the manuscript just wasn't good enough. It was funny, but it wasn't hilarious. It's probably still not piss-your-pants funny, but it is better.

So now I hesitate? Why? Fear of failure? No, I'm used to people telling me my work is shit. What I think I'm afraid of is someone actually liking it and taking it on and perhaps, gulp, selling it. I really don't know how I would deal with that.

It's supposed to be the dream, the ultimate goal, and it is that, but it also means a lot of work and more deadlines. All things I'm ready for, I think, but it will mean a change.

I've been a pre-published writer for so long I've become comfortable with the idea. My writing schedule is established and is, frankly, not very strenuous. If I do 'break in' I will have to devote a LOT more hours to writing than I do now, and the free and easy way in which I write will be replaced with deadlines and contract obligations.

Again, I believe I am ready for that but, if and when it does happen, my life is going to be a lot different than it is now.

Fortunately, I don't think I have a lot to worry about right now.

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